real life

i needed to make a special post for one particular reason. frustration. yesterday, i had one of the most miserable work days of my entire social-security earning life. it was one of those days that makes you want to spit. or cuss. or maybe both. . . simultaneously on the person who's being a grade-a, certified REAR END.

work wasn't that great. (did i already get that point across?) so "not great", in fact that i had to pray a lot. and keep my mouth shut so that i didn't say anything i would regret. and the only thing i regretted was being one of those socially responsible people who holds their tongue instead of one of those people who just says their mind, spouts off, gets enraged and then apologizes for it later. (okay, i know it's not wise, but it would feel so good to do it every once in a while.)

so i can't even tell you what evils transpired at work, but i just wanted to face the reality that sometimes i think some pretty nasty things. even though i don't say them (i mean, most of the time i don't say them. . .), they still fester and stew and become ugly thoughts. which make me aware of my ugliness. and my great need for patience. peace. perserverance. JESUS.

all this blankety blank mess will pass. i just wanted to struggle with the reality of the situation. and my deep need to change. and the fact that this is real life. feathers get ruffled. problems happen. anger is a real emotion -- even a valid one under certain circumstances. and it's just plain therapeutic to get it off my chest. now all i need is a hug. . .

an update

Last year, on December 24, 2005 (that is Christmas Eve) my family had to call an ambulance to come and pick me up. We were all celebrating Christmas in Kansas where my oldest brother & his family live. On the way to the hospital that night, I "blacked out" because of the extreme pain I was in. And the struggle for my life became a very real one. Doctors and nurses worked hard to try and find out what was the matter with me. After a week in ICU where doctors ran test after test -- CAT and CT scans, a spinal tap, blood work -- you name it, they searched it out, I was transferred to a larger hospital via medical airplane transport. My condition was not stabilizing and the doctors continued to give my family a 0% chance for my survival. Yes, that is right. No chance to live, medically speaking. What we later found out was that I had pancreatitis. The infection was extremely severe and because it had gone undetected and untreated, my entire body was septic (or I had "sepsis" -- think septic system. my blood, my insides were like a sewer and I was literally being poisoned from the inside.) Pardon me while I make a "light" comment in an extremely serious story -- supposedly, I have an incredibly high pain tolerance. Who would have guessed it?! There are many details to this story. Many tears that my family cried. Hours and hours where I acted "out of my mind" and pulled out the tubes that were helping me breath, feeding me, keeping me going -- until I had to be tied down with restraints. Lots of hard times. And 3 weeks of my life that I have no memory of. The few moments I woke up out of this "fog" are like nightmares. Except they were real. 26 days in the hospital if I counted correctly. 15 days of "recovery" in California where I literally re-learned how to wash my own hair and dress myself again (not that I had forgotten, but that 3 1/2 weeks laying down leaves your muscles to atrophy and it takes a lot more than those 3 1/2 weeks to gain back your muscle mass.) And then weeks and weeks of gaining back strength and ability to work a full day.
I write all of this for a few reasons: #1 I'm quite overdue in telling the story. #2 I didn't die. #3 I see life differently now and just wanted to take the chance to say it. It has made THIS Christmas and THIS New Year's very special for me. Just because I can REMEMBER them. And that is a sweet blessing.

I'm copying the testimony that I read at my Mom (& sister's) church while visiting last week - exactly one year to date from being admitted into the hospital. Please read, if you have a moment. If not, you just need to know one thing: GOD IS MIGHTY TO SAVE.
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12-24-06 Conejo Valley Church -- Thousand Oaks, CA
Thank you for letting me take a few minutes of your time this morning. I don’t often get to be here as I now live in Texas (and can count on one hand the number of times I’ve stood before this congregation!), but I asked Andy (note: he's the pastoral minister at the church) if I could share just a bit with y’all. My original plan was to share with you the very memorable Christmas and holiday season I had last year. And then a thought occurred to me. I have no memory of Christmas last year. I was unconscious and struggling for life. And THAT is why I stand before you this morning. Today, I am VERY conscious and blessed with health and I need to testify to the goodness of God in all of these matters.

There are, in fact, about three weeks of time that I cannot recollect. This time started very late in the evening on Christmas Eve and extended into the middle of January. The vague memories I have of my time in the hospital are foggy at best. The things I can remember from the whole experience and the time spent in ICU, I’d rather forget. I’ve considered many times this lack of memory is probably another blessing from the Lord. What I cannot remember, my family could share with you in great detail. They lived through the experience with no hope given them from the medical staff. Their only hope was that the Lord would save me. And that He did.

Over a year’s time I still have not mastered words that can declare my thankfulness to the Lord. During this season when we focus so much on GIVING, my mind keeps coming back to SAVING. 22 years ago, I decided to follow Jesus and put my faith in Him. Later, I was baptized right outside this window. I can look back at those moments as my “salvation”. And then there are moments -- life experiences -- where I see the mercy of the Lord. I owe Him my very life because He saved it from death. This is spiritual. This is physical. His salvation is COMPLETE. There is a scripture from the Old Testament that I have shared with folks throughout the years, especially when wanting to get the message of the gospel to someone in short form. Even people who have not put their faith in Jesus will listen for a moment as I share this brief scripture from Psalm 103:

“Bless the Lord, oh my soul, and all that is within bless His holy name. Praise the Lord, oh my soul and forget not all his benefits (or forget not all his goodness in some translations.) Who forgives all of my sins and who heals all my diseases. Who redeems my life from the pit. . . and crowns me with love. . .and crowns me with grace. . . and I’m satisfied. “

What else can I say? Bless the Lord, oh my soul. And all of you, his people – praise His holy name! At this special time of year, remember what the Lord has done. The Lord has been mighty to save as only He has the power to do.
Thank you.
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There is so much more to say, but I must end there tonight. I owe my life to Jesus in every way that is possible. And my words fail to articulate the way he has touched me. Out in the wilderness of West Texas on New Year's Day, there was only one thing that I needed to shout as loud as I could: "Hallelujah!" That's it. Praise the Lord. Everything else may be "falling apart", but the Lord has been faithful to me. And healed me. And "saved" me. And given me another day to live. And that is good. And HE is good.

rest.

Find rest, oh my soul. Find rest.
In this very moment, find rest.
In accomplishment and completion of the ordinary, find rest.
In knowing there is more work than you can accomplish today, find rest.
With joyful expectation and sincere longing, find rest.
Amidst the daily wandering and aching, find rest.
In wrestling and choosing not to strive, find rest.
In Christ’s sufficiency to guide you, love you, walk with you, find rest.
In Christ alone, find rest.
Find rest, oh my soul. Find rest.

only in america

Only in America will you find giant inflatable Santas three stories tall. What in the world? Why does this happen?!
I shared this photo with a couple of my uncle's friends that are visiting from Russia who shared Christmas with us this year. We all balked at the "stupid Americans" and things that only our society would do. On our trip to Disneyland on Saturday they shared the funniest one of all: special signs and areas designated as "stroller parking". They took pictures of the hundreds of empty strollers lined up in these areas as the children blissfully enjoyed the Happiest Place On Earth. This, we all decided, was a good "only in America" moment. But Santa, was not. Too bad one American and two Russians can't deflate all of the giant inflatables of the world. (Also in my picture collection -- a giant turkey that I passed around Thanksgiving time. ) Oh, my!

more pics

Mary & I -- ready to board the ship for our first cruising adventure, a simple floating ice sculpture, and massive glacier for your viewing pleasure.

new pics from old trip

So, my sister gave me a cd full of wonderful pictures from our trip to Alaska in September. Couldn't resist but posting a few of the fun pics. Reference the story of Papaw and his three ladies mentioned in entry below. . . And one other little note: Merry Belated Christmas to all who are reading!

sushi 2

yummy!

















I'm still learning how to publish photos via this picasa program I'm using. I haven't mastered posting multiple photos on the same entry, so I just HAD to make a second entry. This was Alicia's first plate. She was our photographer that afternoon. I wish I had thought to get a picture of my first plate. .. or second. . . or third! :-)

sushi 1

These are my sweet friends David & Alicia. I met David through one of my graduate courses. We worked together on a team for our class and even enjoyed some tennis. (David is an excellent player and I am not. Enough said.) Later this semester he introduced me to his wife. It has been fun to get to know her bit by bit as the semester has continued on. David & Alicia met in Taiwan -- where they are originally from. They worked for the same company in different departments. Both of them are pursuing master's degrees at UNT. I enjoyed asking them lots of questions about the culture of dating in Taiwan. (I don't have anything profound to say at the moment about it, but I'd like to understand more how different cultures find a mate and even know the purpose for such matches.) Last month, the Wu's took me out for an all-you-can-eat sushi extravaganza. We ate a lot. And laughed a lot, enjoying ourselves immensely. I love getting to know David & Alicia and hope for a continued friendship with them in the future.

testing

So, this is a simple test before I go home for the day. I'm learning to use some program called Picasa which will let me store pictures online and them move them oh-so-easily to my blog for all to see. This is an original pic from my cell phone that has had a minor crop job. A view that captured my heart on the way to work one morning. Wonderful. Need I say more? 

alaska

The last week of September found me "cruising" for the first time. No, not on a motorcyle. (Though I am a very willing passenger!) Nor in a hot rod or automobile of any sort. Cruising, my friends, on a large ship in an even larger ocean. With my sister who we call Mary, my mother who we call Mom, and my precious grandfather who we call Papaw. The four of us boarded a ship in Vancouver, BC bound for Alaska and I will never be the same.

The whole week was restful. Mary and I learned how to play shuffleboard. (All of the laughter made it in an aerobic activity.) We played little games, went to the luxurious spa where mom treated us with fancy massages and the like. (I've never enjoyed seaweed so much in my life!) We slept in if we wanted to. Busied ourselves with activities too many to number. Dressed down every day. Dressed up every night. Most nights Papaw invited his pretty ladies to join him before dinner for cocktails. I've never met anyone for cocktails before. It was wonderful. Papaw, in his suit or tuxedo, looking debonair, would rise to meet each of us as we entered the room, always commenting on dress or jewelry or some other mark of our femininity. Motioning to the server he let it be known that we should have all of the treats in pretty glasses that we would like to consume. A couple of men had the gall - or maybe just the curiosity - to ask Papaw if I was his wife. He will be 83 in February. I will be 30 in July. We always laughed and explained our relation. In a way, I thought it silly and wonderful. I consider it a blessing to be on the arm of a gentleman no matter what his age. (Do men like Papaw still exist? Oh, how I long for my very own!)

And then there was Alaska. Better than the fancy dinners and all of the pampering was the beauty of Alaska. One morning, I awoke about 6 am, bundled up and headed outside to watch our approach into Glacier Bay. The beauty of it all led me to weep. They were not tears that I expected. But what I saw was so new and wonderful and before I knew it, the sight had hit the deepest part of my spirit and overwhelmed me in ways that my words still can not express. I spent the better part of that day by myself. Mary also had a similar experience. Mom and Papaw enjoyed the day as well, but each of us was alone to experience it. That evening, our dinner conversation centered around what we each had seen and felt during the day. Listening to the thunderous crashings and groanings of masses of ice and watching as they fell into the sea, we each marveled in a unique way. All of us stood in awe that day.

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He made the earth by His power; He founded the world by His wisdom and stretched out the heaven by His understanding. When He thunders, the waters in the heavens roar; He makes clouds rise from the ends of the earth. (Jeremiah 51:15&16)

must blog

Pics: a lazy weekend trip to austin to visit andrew (simply one of the best men i've ever met in my life) where i stayed with sweet candice. (candice, by the way is absolutely beautiful. is she not drop dead gorgeous? you can agree. it's good to acknowledge the truth.)


I have not posted for exactly 90 days. I am in the middle of a most stressful day, but something inside of me wanted to "gush" my insides into cyberspace. This is finals week. A paper is due in 6.5 hours that has not been typed yet. One might say it has not "realized" itself yet. That one would be quite a talker. (That talker could probably convince the world that such realization can not be rushed as she has convinced her own self of this very fact.) I haven't written it. I don't want to. I want to stay up late and visit with beautiful people, live from the heart and not write on demand. But I will. And it will be good. Demand will inspire me within the next several hours to push, push, push until I have realized a paper on the legal and ethical issues facing business today. And I will enjoy the pushing and rushing and brain gymnastics to be understood by my professor-lawyer and to speak his language. And we will all realize something. And I will be glad to have finished one more course.


I feel better now.

more to come. . . and with more frequency than my recent 90 day silence.

catching up. . .

The semester has begun. Remember being in school? The "year" was not understood from January to December, but from late August to May. This world of long ago is familiar again. I have begun (for the second time!) a career as a graduate student. The commitment is "part time" as I continue to work "full time", but I find the terms blur as I juggle my responsibility at work and my desire to excel in academia. The first eight weeks of the semester I am taking two courses: Management Issues & Marketing Concepts while the second eight weeks of the semester I am taking two courses: Introduction to Finance & Business Law/Ethics. These courses are 1.5 hours each. (The credits a trifle considering the 6-8 hours preparation that has gone into each class meeting.) I must tell you more as time goes on, but this is a fair start.

How, you might ask, can I afford this? I can't! And that's where the blessing comes in. The bank that I work at is picking up my educational costs. (Read previous posts for snippets of the great respect I have for my boss. He's amazing!)

The Lord is good to ALL who call on Him.

good medicine

enjoying a moment after riding my favorite disneyland ride of all time called "it's a small world". when we rode this ride as kids my dad used to scoop up his big hands full of water and splash us incessantly. (what you may not know is this has to be the s- l- o- w- e- s- t ride in all of disneyland with one repeating song track for the entirety of the ride and you're NEVER supposed to put your hands in the water.) i pretty much love this ride because it's absolutely against the computer crazed culture we're experiencing now. and it makes me laugh and it makes me cry all mixed up together as i remember being so enthralled by the ride as a child. (and i had a dad who would splash me when it was against the rules.)

back to the picture: it was taken the last weekend of june. (for those of you who don't know -- i'm on the left and my sister, mary, is on the right.) i hope every woman takes the opportunity to be a princess whenever it is presented to them. you're never too old to enjoy a good tiara moment.

"A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. " Proverbs 17:22 - (The Bible)

picture test

here's my first try at uploading pictures.
these pics are from some sidework i've done to earn a little extra $$ (and mostly to help friends out!) this was a little party for a kid's choir after their performance. it was a great success.

i've often dreamed of having my own little event planning business. doesn't that sound like fun?more pics are soon to follow if this all works out well.

thanks, Mom

In high school, my mother forced me to take a class called "keyboarding" where we sat around each day learning how to type with some quirky qwerty computer program. I remember protesting (loudly) that I didn't want to waste WEEKS of my time in such a "stupid" class. (Yes, I am positive I said it was "stupid".) I remember embarassment for even BEING in that class. And boredom from a dry instructor and finishing lessons without time to go on to the next.
: : : : : : : :
Today, as I was typing an email to an escrow agent at a title company, my bossed walked by and spoke of his marvel at folks who could type so quickly. It brought me back to my high school protestations and quickly through years of short essays, L O N G term papers, entering the joyful world of email and my side work over the last 5 years proofing documents. . . .back to my present office job ( a humble salaried position),

My mother was wise. I was immature.
Thank a parent today for something they made you do when you were young.

of note last week

A simple review of my last week:
(#1) I began working out with a "personal trainer". Why? because I have no muscle mass. (Please note that I need to write in detail about the reason I am working out. I was in the hospital for a prolonged stay at the beginning of this year as I battled for my life. I do need to write more about this, I just don't know how to explain it all. The short of it: God had mercy on me and kept me from dying and now I'm on the road to recovery.)
So, I started lifting weights.
(#2) My sweet friends Eddie & Megan Boyer are going to have a baby! This is probably the best news I've heard all week. I'm so thankful that the Lord would bless them with a child. I told everyone at work, but somehow they didn't share the same joy seeing as Eddie & Megan are strangers to them. . . but a BABY?! Who can't help but rejoice when a couple is expecting! Congratulations to the growing Boyer family.
(#3) I started planning for a special trip I've just been surprised with. The story: my sister recently became an RN and my mom was going to take her on a special trip. She decided she'd like to go on a cruise so they were booking a trip to Alaska. Mary asked Mom if I could join & my Mom (God bless her!) agreed. So I'm going on an all-expense paid trip to Alaska at the end of September. Can you believe it? My Papaw will be joining us. He's got a tux for formal night to take his three dates in style! I've got a lot of sale shopping to tend to if I'm going to be ready for this excursion.
(#4) And, ladies & gentlemen. . . The most exciting thing that happened to me last week. . . . are you ready?. . . .
I've been promoted to the ADVANCED adult beginners tennis class!
Yes, after months of beginner classes, I have attained the coveted ADVANCED beginner status. This has been 2 group lessons and 1 private lesson a week for months now. The day has come to get my tennis-skirted fanny kicked by all the folks who have been in ADVANCED beginners for months. But I'm ready. . . I'm excited. . .I've accomplished something (though insignificant to all who read this blog -- I dare you to give tennis a try!) And to my tennis buddy, Rebecca, you deserve to be recognized in this post. (Rebecca & I started group lessons the same week and decided to take our private lessons together when we were too afraid to do it by ourself!) Our instructor, Brandon, deserves some sort of award for not giving up on us. (and being the right balance of patient, encouraging and FIRM to kick my booty into action without causing me to give up.) I respect this guy. It's not easy to teach an old dog new tricks. ADVANCE beginners, here we come!
I must sign off for now as I need to pick up my new glasses and contacts. (Just a plug -- Sam's Club offers the best pricing on glasses and contacts that I've ever found. And I like a good deal. I highly recommend them.)
Blessings to you and those you love dearly.

birthday post

Today is my birthday.

Our 72 year-old phone operator & office help (and former Head Cashier -- which is a very influential position, in case you are not familiar with the banking industry) said to me this morning, "Happy Birthday. I hate people as young as you."

If that doesn't make you laugh, I don't know what will! I pray I have such wit in my 70's.

And also of special note: It is my brother Dan's birthday, too.

i figured something out

or at least I'm figuring something out. . .

It's more important to "be" than to "do".

tennis

I'm taking tennis lessons. At first, I didn't want to tell anyone for fear that I would begin only to quit within the first four week session. But I didn't quit. I wanted to many times -- for all that know me are aware that visions of athleticism are not conjured upon thinking of me. Ha! So I'm taking tennis. We've got a class through the park & rec here in Denton that makes lessons very affordable. (so affordable you would all be jealous if I told you JUST HOW MUCH or shall I say LITTLE? they run) Classes are twice a week for an hour with two instructors amongst the group. The first group I was in had 6 faithful members. The second group waivered around 8. This new group is ranging b/w 10 & 11, but it's still too soon to tell since we've just begun the second week. The faint of heart will soon drop out as the temperatures soar into the high 90's and embarrassment rises in the weak as their lack of ability becomes obvious to the "adult beginners" throng. But not me. I stink and I'm sticking with it! 3 months strong and I haven't quit yet. 3 months strong and I'm still in the "adult beginners" class. 3 months strong and I picked up a weekly private lesson with another three-time "beginner" girl so that we can try to progress to the coveted "adult advanced beginners" class. The time will soon come. I'm even thinking about investing in bona fide "tennis" shoes and a racquet (other than the free one issued upon beginning my phenomenal athletic career late in my 28th year). I appreciate tennis more now then ever before. Determination. Discipline. Consistency. Lots of laughter. This is what tennis has been teaching me. To persevere and learn to laugh at myself (A LOT).

so what did you do this weekend?

It seems that a world is in motion that never crosses in front of me. I was reminded of this through the simple question asked to me on Monday, "So, what did you do this weekend?" One had gone to the bar to hang out with "friends" and watch the Mavs as they head higher into the finals. One had gone to Dallas to hang out with his girlfriend. And there were movies and many other exciting happenings that the weekend held for those around me.
What did I do? I worked! . . .picked up a little job doing event planning. . .an "after party" for 150 in attendance at a children's musical. Exciting? Maybe not for anyone else, but I had a blast! I went shopping. . . I ordered food and flowers and cake and made 20 personalized gift bags and searched the internet for coveted acorns. . . then executed the event-- all in all a 25 hour endeavor (and I got PAID!) And then I was very tired and slept well, though not long enough. And THAT was my weekend.